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Age Rating 8 Plus.

Iron kingdom.

From Jay and Emmy Duret

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Start of Story

Tell me another story.
Fresh out.
Stop it. Just tell me a story.
There was ancient kingdom made of iron and in this kingdom there was a boy - actually he was a prince - who had a problem.
What sort of problem?
Everyone said that he had charisma, that he had a magnetic personality, that he was attractive.
Why was that a problem?
Did you forget what the kingdom was made out of?
And so you see the issue?
Not exactly.
The boy was constantly getting himself stuck.
He had a magnetic personality… get it? He's be walking down the hall and he'd be attracted to the iron and whoomp all of a sudden he'd be pasted onto the wall, stuck solid as a fly on flypaper.
Never mind. He was always getting stuck. Really a pain. The only way he could get anywhere was to walk down a hallway that had iron on both sides and then if he stayed in the middle he'd be okay.
How'd they get him off the wall when he was stuck?
Great question. At first they pried him off with a crowbar but that hurt so they made a big spatula-type doohickey that they called a doosticker and that worked better. Problem was that he got stuck so frequently that he needed almost a fulltime doosticker guy to pop him off and so they sent off to the catalogue store and got a special orange stuff called Unguentine - wasn't exactly a liquid but it was smooth and slippery that he could spray on himself and that would doostick him for a few minutes - so he could get himself where he was going. The thing is…
Like he had to carry a bottle of Unguentine with him at all times like a water bottle?
That's pretty cool.
One problem though.

Unguentine was bright orange and when he unstuck himself he'd turn orange for a while until he washed it off.
And it was ruining his romantic life. I mean he was attractive and all that but who wanted to be with a guy - even if he was a prince - that was bright orange most of the time?
Was he lonely?
So what'd he do?
He tried everything. He called all the brightest minds at the catalogue place. He tried mixing Unguentine with artificial colors and stuff but that was a disaster. He ended up looking a spotted leopard. He couldn't take it. He dreamed of being unattractive. Of being able to walk down the street without a doosticker or a squeeze bottle of Unguentine.
Why didn't he leave?
The iron kingdom was his home and to leave he'd have to go into the Wild Space all by himself. Everyone said that the Wild Space was really dangerous. There were thousands of vicious free-range poodles and this kind of small bird that hummed while it pecked your face.
Free range poodles? Did you really say that?
Vicious beasts.
So what'd he do?
Well it turns out that there was another person in the kingdom who was also attractive. She also had a magnetic personality.
Did she get stuck too?
Yes she did except her parents wouldn't let he go anywhere. They built her a big round room with iron all around and they built a chair - actually it was a throne, she was a princess in training - right in the center of the room and they made her sit there all the time.

Ooh - so she was perfectly balanced by the magnetic forces?
Exactly. As long as she sat in the throne she was perfectly fine - she could read and write and sew and all that stuff. She just couldn't get out of her throne.
Did she ever use Unguentine?
No her parents didn't want her to turn orange. They hated orange people.
So she just had to sit there.
So she was really lonely too.
She was.
What were their names? Did they know each other?
One question at a time please. His name was Donis and hers was Rapachino.
Rapachino? You're really going with Rapachino?
Yep. And they did meet. But only later.
What happened?
Well first they learned about each other and became friends on Facebook. They had so much in common. They were attractive. They were magnetic. Soon they were emailing and texting and sending instagrams.
They could use computers?
Yep. Specially adapted computers made completely out of plastic.
You can guess what happened then?
Please don't say they became stuck on each other?
They became stuck on each other.
So cheesy.
They were in love but they had never actually seen each other and so he resolved that he would travel across the iron kingdom to be with her in person and they'd live happily together.
So romantic…
She told him it was pointless. Her parents were too strict and they would never let her out of the house. They hated orange people.
But he went anyway?
Yes he did. He put seven bottles of Unguentine in his backpack and set off to cross the land to see his love and free her from her lonely life.

If he got there, you mean. It was a most perilous trip. There was iron everywhere and the maps he was using weren't so good about identifying where exactly the metal would be found. He got stuck so often that he feared he would never see his love. But he persevered and after several months on the road he arrived at her house.
What happened then?
Her parents were there and waiting for him. They knew he was coming and they barred the door. He had brought them presents. He used his sweetest voice to explain that he genuinely loved their daughter and wanted her to be happy. He wanted to marry her. The parents were unmoving. The father was particularly mean. He said, "my daughter will never marry an orange boy." They sent him away.
But he did not give up.
He did not. That night he snuck back to the house. The room she was in had no windows, but there was a skylight up on top. He carefully climbed onto the roof and slid open the skylight. The room was dark. He was very quiet. He brought a rope and dropped one end into the room and then started down.
And then the strangest thing happened.
The lights in the room went on and alarms started going off. There was burglar alarm and he tripped it.
Oh no.

And the parents came racing into the room and when they got there they saw the strangest sight. Their beautiful daughter Rapachino was in her throne.
Where was Donis?
He was in the air, about 6 feet over her head. He was holding on the rope and circling the room above her like he was a mobile.
Yeah he was just going around and around in a circle with her in the middle. The father and mother were yelling and screaming.
What was Rapachino doing?
She was reaching up towards him and saying over and over, "Donis, my love, come to me."
So what happened?
Donis let go of the rope and he fell down on the floor of her room. He got up from the floor, shook himself off, and ran to Rapachino. Rapachino got off her throne and ran for him as hard as she could run.
Oh my God, they stuck together…"
No! That was the thing. They couldn't get within 6 feet of each other. You know they were both magnetic but when you put them together they repelled each other. They had polarity issues.
That's so sad.
I hate this story.
Just goes to show…
What does it go to show?
Listen to your father.
How does it show that?
Cause that's always a good takeaway from a bedtime story.
I hate this story.
Would it help if they joined a polarity support group?
Just hate it.

Jay Duret Iron Story May 15, 2014 San Francisco


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